My thoughts are racing right now, careering from acceptance, stillness and peace to fear, uncertainty, confusion and stressful worry – such are some of the emotions in dealing with someone so close and so dear to me who is now receiving palliative care.
If there was an ‘off button’, some way of stepping out of the current story in which I find myself, of changing this impending tragedy into a comedy, I would press it. It was the same when I had oesophageal cancer ten years ago. If I could have changed the circumstances as I went through it, then, I would have done. Alas, in the current situation as with that event ten years ago, there is no option of an alternative story-line.
And so, emotions career to the far ends of an opposing, invisible, and a seemingly indeterminate spectrum.
‘If you’re not confused, you’re not paying attention.’ Tom Peters
I have no easy answers if you have been, or are going through this kind of roller-coaster ride as a loved-one is prepared for the return ‘Home’. But, even as I write this, something, That Which Is Larger Than Ourselves, whispers into the confusion in which we are placed.
Entering into that inner sanctuary, the Caim, much-loved by ancient Christians, Celts and Druids, and others, I sit. Outwardly, I sit, too, and with my eyes closed, I go ‘inward’, to that sacred space, deep ‘inside’. The Caim is a wonderful place from which to visualise others, to inwardly (or sometimes physically) to enact a ritual within that Circle, and send energy to them. Now, I’m in a place of darkness, even in the Caim. But, it’s not a brooding darkness of chaos or fear of the unknown. It simply is…..dark. A place to be alone with the Alone. Yet another use for the Caim.
‘And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness – secret riches..’ Isaiah 45:3a, The Book.
And, so, ‘I welcomed in the tender grace of unknowing and gave myself over to fertile darkness, despite the fears or voices that long for certainty or the ones which think they have already got it all figured out,’ said Christine Valters Paintner in her book, ‘The Soul Of A Pilgrim’.
In this inward -dark-but-peaceful place, in this Caim of Solitude I sit, and wait. Unspoken questions arise: Should I do this? Should I do that? What if….? It feels like a trillion thoughts are ‘firing’ all at once, beckoning activity, and yet someone – could it be The Friend – brings one over-riding thought to the fore (and, if there is an almost-thought, then this was one), like a distant memory that was embedded deep within but is only now surfacing, rather than an audible voice.
Hupomeme is an ancient Greek word, beloved of desert monks who were undergoing tough times. It means to stay with whatever is happening!
And that word was the seeming whisper in that Caim of Solitude, that inner sacred space, spoken by the Source of All. Leaving that Caim, I returned to the world of a trillion thoughts, of erratic emotion-swings, of uncertainties…but I know I have the experience and memory of an alternative realm of peace which is just as real, and maybe more real, that this one.
‘God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches by means of opposites so that you will have two wings to fly, not one.’ Jalaluddin Rumi.